Here is the woman’s guide to what a man is really saying:
I'm hungry
= I'm hungry
I'm sleepy
= I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired"
= I'm tired.
"I've gotta pee"
= Get out of the way.
"I've gotta GO"
= Get out of the way and stay away until it clears
"What's wrong?"
= I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?"
= What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
= I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
= $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
= For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!
"It's a guy thing"
= There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical
Can I help with dinner?
= Why isn't it already on the table?
"I'm going fishing"
= I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick
in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety
"Let's take your car"
= Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas
"Woman driver"
= Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a
better driving record than me
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen"
= As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
turquoise or any other color
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear"
= Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea"
= It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating
"Have you lost weight?"
= I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill
"My wife doesn't understand me"
= She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them
"It would take too long to explain"
= I have no idea how it works
"I'm getting more exercise lately"
= The batteries in the remote are dead
"I got a lot done"
= I found Waldo in almost every picture
"We're going to be late"
= Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac
"You cook just like my mother used to"
= She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard"
= I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner
"That's interesting, dear"
= Are you still talking?
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love"
= I forgot our anniversary again
"You expect too much of me"
= You want me to stay awake
"It's a really good movie"
= It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear
"That's women's work"
= It's difficult, dirty, and thankless
"Go ask your mother"
= I am incapable of making a decision
"You know how bad my memory is"
= I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday
"Football is a man's game"
= Women are generally too smart to play it
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
= I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt
"I do help around the house"
= I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
= And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon
"I can't find it"
= It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless
"What did I do this time?"
= What did you catch me at?
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car"
= You may actually get it to start
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys"
= I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions
"I heard you"
= I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me
"You know I could never love anyone else"
= I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse
"I brought you a present"
= It was free ice scraper night at the ball game
"I missed you"
= I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are"
= No one will ever see us alive again
"We share the housework"
= I make the messes, she cleans them up
"This relationship is getting too serious"
= I like you more than my truck
"I recycle"
= We could pay the rent with the money from my empties
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful"
= Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?
"It sure snowed last night"
= I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now
"I don't need to read the instructions"
= I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later"
= If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant"
= Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window
"I broke up with her"
= She dumped me
While shopping:
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
= You just bought new clothes 3 years ago
"But I hate to go shopping"
= Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse
"Yes, that one's nice"
= Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
"That one looks great on you"
= Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I like that one better."
= Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Uh huh"
= Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
= Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"You look terrific."
= Oh, please, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving
"That makes you look fat"
= I'm really stupid!
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